About a decade ago I was at my annual medical physical, and my doctor at the time asked me how I was managing my stress. I shared that I was newly married and that my husband and I were going to couples therapy together for additional support. As a new therapist, I was proudly vocal with the people in our lives about the benefit of doing couples therapy as both prevention in a major life transition as well as for the purpose of connecting in even deeper ways than we might have been able to on our own without couples therapy. Well, when I checked my online medical chart a few days later, I saw that the doctor had coded one of my medical issues as “marital distress.” I was absolutely livid, as I had not shared about any form of marital distress, only that my husband and I attended couples therapy and found it supportive.
I sent a firm email explaining that the marital distress code was actually not valid in my case and asking that it be removed, along with some education about how couples therapy was actually one of the best investments any couple could make in their relationship prior to any prominent issues occurring. There is absolutely no shame if and when a couple is experiencing legitimate distress, but what this interaction highlighted to me was that there are still many people who believe that couples only attend couples therapy together when things are going “badly.” While couples therapy is absolutely an important resource if you’re contemplating ending your marriage or experiencing a relational crisis, I actually believe that couples therapy is ideal in so many other scenarios. The below list is far from being exhaustive, but here are a few times when you and your partner might benefit from couples therapy aside from a relationship crisis.
Undergoing a major life transition
A cross country move, a death of a close relative, a new job, a chronic illness diagnosis
When life changes, we have to adapt and change too. Even when a life transition is mostly positive, there will still be some stress (and likely loss) in the mix. It is more common for two people to adapt differently and to even experience the stress differently than it is for them to be in the sync throughout the entire process. It’s natural for there to be some disconnection as a result, and while many couples eventually find their ways mostly back to each other after the initial stress subsides, sometimes there are remaining wounds or a lack of trust from some of those more vulnerable moments. Couples therapy can be incredibly beneficial in the midst of the life transition or following one to support the communication process between the two members, as much gets lost in translation during stressful seasons. This often helps create more space for the differing experiences and also helps both people feel more understood by one another. Most valuably of all, the couple can learn how to navigate connection in moments of higher stress and how to share their painful feelings in a way that can be mutually connecting rather than in a manner that leads to rifts or conflicts. You can actually come out of said life transition even stronger as a couple than you were before!
Becoming parents
Whether you’re just contemplating it, pregnant, or newly raising kids, becoming parents is one of the most intense life transitions of them all.
Having a baby is a source of so much joy for most couples but also comes with many common stressors. The lack of sleep, navigating entirely new tasks, and sharing these new practical responsibilities is challenging all on their own and can easily prompt more disconnect than before. But the biggest reason why I believe doing couples therapy before or when adding a baby is valuable is because this particular life transition tends to bring up childhood wounds in new ways. Processing this together in couples therapy can help both partners feel understood and supported by their partner in advance as opposed to when any trauma or residual pain from how one was parented might be actively surfacing and more difficult to navigate. Also, even if a couple believes that they will be on the same page in parenting, the reality is that there will always be some differences even with the most in sync couple – that is normal and okay! Couples therapy can be a wonderful place to process each person’s feelings and sense of purpose behind how they want to parent to increase the likelihood of joining together as a strong team rather than pulling apart. Lastly, becoming a parent is a major identity change both individually and as a couple (and this doesn’t even take into account the bodily and hormonal changes that occur if someone adds a child through pregnancy.) It is a life-changing event that oftentimes colors each day and the world around you differently. It brings so much beauty and love with it that has the potential to be ever so bonding with your partner, but it can also intensify any rifts in the relationship that were already there. Couples therapy can be one of the best investments for both your relationship and also for your new identity as a mother or father.
Cultural and Familial Differences
Different races/ethnicities/SES/faith backgrounds from one another or your families and upbringings were simply very different from each other’s
Cross cultural couples are my favorite – and I am biased because of my own marriage! I’m grateful to be married to a `biracial Mexican-American and white man whose upbringing was predominantly in his Mexican-American family and in a Mexican immigrant community. We were raised in very different cultural/ethnic communities and with different SES backgrounds as well. While there might be more natural ease and understanding in certain ways when your partner has a similar background to yours, what I love about being with someone with different life and familial experiences than yours is that you can both learn from one another. The challenge is in needing more communication at times to understand one another’s perspectives, but this is also the strength – when you consistently practice sharing about your life experiences, perspectives, and values to help your partner understand you and where you’re coming from (and when you practice listening to them do the same,) you have more tools to be able to navigate all sorts of challenges together. However, while any couple can get stuck on different ways of doing or prioritizing things, there are simply more areas for this to occur for cross cultural couples. Parenting, finances, family composition, and extended family interactions are common areas of misalignment for couples. There is no objective “right way” to do any of those constellations, and it ultimately comes down to each couple forming their own values, prioritization, and boundaries – couples therapy is a wonderful place to explore this together! Again, this is an opportunity to draw closer together in joining over how you want to engage with family rather than having it become a divisive topic.
Your relationship is good, but you want to strengthen it.
There are no major sources of conflict, but you want to have some tools available for challenges when they arise. Also, there are no downsides to understanding yourself and your partner in more meaningful ways.
I genuinely believe that couples therapy is one of the best investments you can give your relationship, and you do not need to have a crisis to begin therapy together. When you know you want to be with your person longterm, couples therapy can help you solidify your foundation, understanding of one another, and future relational and life goals. Oftentimes, what emerges in couples therapy is even different than what might arise in your own individual therapy. This is likely due to our attachment styles being more activated with our partner in the room as well as having access to both the strengths and the areas of need that are present in the relationship.
As a couples therapist, I utilize Restoration Therapy with each of my couples early on. Together, we identify each person’s pain cycle – the painful emotions and identities that are most present in their inner narrative such as being unlovable, unimportant, a failure, or unsafe as well as the painful coping for managing those wounds such as isolating, criticizing (internal or external), escape (through substances, media, shopping), avoiding, or depression. Every single human has a pain cycle that gets activated in challenging moments, and identifying pain cycles in couples therapy gives us greater access to understanding ourselves, understanding and having more compassion for our partners, and seeing how the two cycles play out together in the relationship. Then, we are able to begin shifting these cycles by learning how to vulnerably connect in those moments to acknowledge and then cease the pain cycles and pivot toward a kinder, more connecting way of interacting with both ourselves and our partners. This gets practiced in the therapy room as well as at home and typically yields beautiful growth and change in a short amount of time. This process definitely helps couples who are in crisis, but I sometimes see the most powerful shifts in the couples who just want to strengthen their relationship. You don’t need to have glaring issues to begin couples therapy. An openness to understanding yourself and your partner in new ways and a desire to show up in a more loving, connecting manner is all that is needed to begin.